Episode 225
Title: What if your intention was to just have fun?
Host: Dr. Nicole Rivera & Nick Carruthers
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Transcription:
00:00:00
Hey, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Integrated View Radio.
I am here with Dr. Nick again, so he has graced us with his presence once again. But don't get used to it.
We were thinking about this idea the other day because we've been doing a lot of... Oh, we've changed our intent, yeah.
So we've been really focused on 2024 and, you know, what does our business and life look like when it comes to the people that we feel so passionately about helping?
And we keep having this vision of helping families—families that are focused on making an impact on the world in some capacity.
We have such a deep passion for working with entrepreneurial families as well, just because we are them.
But at the end of the day, when we think about families, no matter if you're entrepreneurial or not, a lot of families have lost sight of having fun.
And I know that we did for many years. We were very, very focused on the business, and it was just you and I at the time.
We didn’t have little Q, but it was a long time—it was ten years—and there was just this idea, this mentality of, well, one, we’re doing good work.
We're making an impact, so I’m okay with working twelve-hour, thirteen-hour, fourteen, or even eighteen-hour days.
But also, the mindset was hustle now to reap the rewards later.
Hustle now to then have time freedom, energy freedom, location freedom, and all of that later.
But then it was ten years. It was a decade.
00:01:20
I think the mindset for a lot of people—if you’re in the corporate arena, the nine-to-five job, or as an entrepreneur—you’re kind of thinking the same.
We’ve been programmed that way. It’s like work hard for 'x' amount of time to then retire, or work hard now so that your business gets to a certain place, and then you’ll be able to take a step back.
And without the proper intention, the proper operations, the proper structure—that doesn’t happen.
If anything, you get more into the rabbit hole than you were when you first started.
00:01:54
Well, yeah. Life is just made up of a bunch of cycles, and that cycle you just explained is the foundation cycle of how the system is created.
We need to understand that we have an underlying belief, but our beliefs aren’t always true.
And our beliefs are the foundation, the thought process that actually creates our decisions and actions.
So you have this belief system that you’re gonna work your ass off for five, ten, fifteen, twenty, twenty-five years, and then you’re gonna have this golden life where everything’s going to be sunshine and rainbows.
But through that entire time, all you’ve done is strengthen that cycle—strengthen the neuroplasticity, strengthen the habits.
So when that transition actually occurs, there’s no transition. You’re still the same person.
00:02:39
Yeah. You’re addicted to the busyness. You’re addicted to the chaos, even though you don’t want to be. Consciously, you don’t want to be, but biochemically, you’re addicted to it.
You don’t even know how to function without it.
And because you’re still the same person, you still deal with problems, but the problem just changes.
Most likely, that problem changes to your health.
So instead of burning out fires at work and dealing with all that stress, now you’re dealing with stress related to either your health or the family.
You’re always in the same cycle, the same energy—it’s just in a different form.
00:03:10
What we were talking about is that the quality of your life is dictated by the quality of the questions you ask.
So looking at typical problems that are happening today, we ask, how can we forecast and change this now so that we don’t have to deal with those problems in the future?
One of those things is by creating a work-life balance, but not just that—actually incorporating more joy into everything that you do.
00:03:38
Yeah. We thought about the idea of, when is the last time someone or a family set the intention that they were just going to have fun?
Oh, the weekend’s coming up. The objective, the intention, is let’s have fun—not thinking about a to-do list, not guilt-tripping ourselves because we really needed to do x, y, and z around the house.
“Oh, well, we could have fun, but too much fun... or people might judge us if we do that.”
It’s about literally having fun—laughing until your stomach hurts, until you pee your pants, and just thoroughly enjoying each other’s company without caring what anybody else thinks about it.
00:04:14
You know you’re deep into that cycle of judgment when you set this intention to have fun but then go out and feel guilty, thinking, “I’m having too much fun, or I should be doing this.”
That just shows that you’re imbalanced and that the program is there.
We were saying before we jumped on, how many people create this vacation, but they’re stressed out the entire time planning it?
They’re stressed out while on vacation because they have to meet all these schedules, visit all these places, and eat at all these restaurants.
00:04:44
But it’s so many things. I never understand, because what got me thinking about this was that we’re going to Italy in two weeks, not even.
And our social media team was asking us to put together content.
They asked, “Can you speak to people who get flight anxiety?”
And I thought, flight anxiety?
I don’t know if I should speak to that because I don’t get flight anxiety.
Then I started thinking about it—flight anxiety, why?
Flights are amazing. You’re totally disconnected from the world. You get to just read a book, create a vision, or get a pen and paper and just do you.
00:05:15
But the grander thought was, what are you laughing about?
I just kept picturing there’s a man on the wing, churning butter.
00:05:22
Oh my! One of our favorite movies is Bridesmaids. "Hello, there’s a man on the wing, churning butter. There’s something they’re not telling us."
That might create anxiety!
00:05:35
But there are so many events we’re supposed to look forward to and enjoy—like weddings, birthdays—but people stress out about them.
There’s so much stress around it that sometimes I ask, why are you even doing it?
Why don’t you just go get married at a courthouse, or skip your kid’s birthday party if it’s creating this much stress and turmoil in the family?
It doesn’t have to be this way.
If you can set the intention that this party, this wedding, or this celebration is for you or for your kid unapologetically—not for anyone else—you can find joy in it.
00:06:15
Like, our wedding was so much fun because it wasn’t about anybody else.
And a lot of people tried to make it about others.
They said, “Don’t do a destination wedding. This person can’t come. That person won’t like the food.”
But we didn’t care because it was our wedding. We paid for it.
We didn’t want anyone else to pay if they were going to dictate the outcome.
This was our day, and I wanted to look back on it with joyful memories—not stress.
00:06:44
I used to work weddings in college, and I remember people saying, “I’m so glad it’s over.”
You just spent $75,000 on this wedding, and you’re glad it’s over?
What kind of mindset is that? Why is this the norm?
The same thing with vacations: people plan an annual vacation, but it’s all stress.
When they get there, the stress continues.
The kids don’t want to do this, or they don’t want to go there.
00:07:10
What if we actually sat down and had a conversation about who we are as a family, what our core values are, and what actually aligns with that?
Is it this big fancy vacation at an all-inclusive resort, or is it getting in the backyard, having a bonfire, shutting off our phones, and just having a great time?
00:07:29
This is great because I don’t think you know about this, but three months ago, we had a client who went through this same process.
They went on this very expensive family trip, and the kids were miserable the entire time.
The parents were upset because they spent all this money to have the family come together, but the kids didn’t want it.
I told her, “The kids were miserable because that’s not what they wanted.”
She stopped and realized, “You’re right.”
I said, “Why don’t you sit down and figure out what everybody wants? Have the conversation instead of bulldozing forward to the next thing.
Set the intent of what you want to achieve as a family, connect that with your family values, and then ask everyone how they think the family can best achieve that.”
Then put all the information together, and you’re all working together to achieve the same thing.
00:08:12
Most parents can understand this because most of us have had a job at some point in our lives.
The reason why we talk about family so much now isn’t just because we have kids or because we’ve been through phases of life.
We’re just mind-blown on a daily basis by how much we’ve learned from running our business.
One of the things that stood out to me so much is making assumptions.
00:08:35
When we had employees and it came time for annual reviews, instead of opening a dialogue to understand the employee’s feedback—what would make them feel valued, how they felt they were growing—we made assumptions.
We would give a pay raise, and they would quit a month later.
You’re left thinking, “What just happened here?”
It wasn’t about the money.
This person wanted a more prestigious title, more challenge—they didn’t care about the money.
They wanted to feel like they were growing.
00:09:01
Other employees wanted more flexibility with PTO because their family was their highest value.
They wanted to make sure they could do their job well but still prioritize their family.
It’s the same exact concept with family.
You’ve been on the receiving end of not getting the promotion or raise.
You feel like, “What am I even doing? I don’t feel valued.”
It’s the same in a family dynamic. If we don’t apply the same principles, kids might feel the same—like this isn’t the right family for them.
00:09:34
That’s why we need to put effort into our families because we’re stuck with each other!
We should be intentional and methodical about having a family that aligns, collaborates, respects, supports, and has fun together.
That takes effort every day, every week. It takes communication.
00:09:50
One of the podcasts I did yesterday was about accountability.
In a job, if you don’t do your job, your boss doesn’t come and do your job for you.
But in a household, if your kid doesn’t do their task, the parent does it, and then they’re frustrated.
At the end of the day, it’s not always about your kid being undisciplined.
Sometimes they just don’t know what they’re responsible for because you gave them a verbal command instead of something tangible like a job description.
00:10:15
In a job, you get a job description, a manual, a layout of what you’re responsible for.
You reference back to it if you forget. You get touch bases with your higher-ups to see how you’re performing.
Why don’t we apply these same principles with our kids?
You might think that takes too much time, but you either make time to get everyone on the same page, or you spend time putting out fires and being frustrated.
00:10:39
Dr. Nick will now bring it all together.
What Dr. Nicole is trying to say is you have to create fun.
Fun, like everything else in life, rarely happens out of nowhere.
00:10:50
Also, if you're constantly derailed by putting out fires, it takes away time and energy from having fun.
That's what I wanted to say.
00:10:58
Circling it back again, you have to create your fun.
And like anything, if you’re going to create it, you need a specific system, process, and accountability.
00:11:10
In a family dynamic, every person has different values.
Like Dr. Nicole said, in a business, you get feedback.
How do you get feedback? You need a communication system.
Is that in writing? Verbal? Figure out what works best for your family and set it up.
Then, have everyone come together and get crystal clear—making decisions together so that you’re all growing together.
There’s no dictatorship, just alignment.
00:11:35
This allows you to go have fun, with everyone on the same page—no shame or guilt—and enjoy being present, connected, and having an amazing time.
00:11:44
And if you're looking for a great tool, we put together a free resource called the Aligned Couple Workbook.
The link will be below.
This workbook helps you get aligned with your partner, allowing you to communicate more effectively with your kids.
One of the sections is about fun—prioritizing it weekly, whether it’s a bonfire, a trip to the beach, or a weekend getaway.
It helps you think proactively about how to make fun part of your lives, so it’s not just something you wing every weekend.
00:12:17
One of our big things is setting a specific day to go boating.
We even set the time frame so we hold ourselves accountable.
00:12:25
Alright, guys. We hope you enjoyed it, despite all the derails!
